On becoming an adult

Becoming an adult is fucking hard. Becoming an adult is realizing I’m prone to running away from myself. From the piercing silence. Prone to run back into someone’s or something’s arms because the thought of being alone, in this very instance, neither past nor future, but this, this very instance. This one. Is a little too unbearable. Because one hates oneself, and one’s thoughts, one’s sharp edges and ugly protuberances. Because one is coming out of a shell.

I now realize that I searched for that familiar embrace not for its own sake, not for healthy company or being a part of something bigger, but because one feels broken, and seeks to be fixed by someone/something (or is there even a difference (?), I at least like to believe so). But you won’t find it. Not a hug warm enough, or praise loud enough.

This too can seem troubling. A life spent too much in one’s own head. Half of it in the past. Half of it in the future. Always seeking. Always measuring. Always comparing. Living somewhere else. Enacting future encounters and re-writing past scenarios. Waiting to find one’s solution, a theory of everything, and all at a ripe 20 years of age. How funny we are. How foolish.

And this too is no different. As I wish to sound smart. Be well written. As if someday this were to be read. It all means nothing. This is one of those nights when the absurd is a little too loud, a little too much, enough to give me a headache. How funny, that one becomes upset with one’s self because one thinks too much about thinking. Perhaps one day one shall sit in a room with ourselves and say, at least I can sit with myself, my thoughts might be not be “the best”, and despite the fact I still mess up often, I’m trying. I get up, push the boulder and smile. I do not much more. And I used to push it because I expected to get to the top and see the view, but nowadays, I just push it. Because I am waiting for death, but until then, at least I shall push. At least I shall make it fun. Find the joke in it. And laugh a little. For this miracle might be a little too rare, not to laugh once in a while.

I am born now. I can choose now.

T